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sometimes you have to lose your mind to find your freedom. [entries|friends|calendar]
.sam.

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[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[15 Feb 2006|10:02pm]
american history x is probably the best movie i have ever seen.. or at least the movie that has affected me more than any other in my entire life.
2 never get hurt | never take it seriously

[30 Dec 2005|02:07am]
I just took some weird color quiz thing. there is usually a link to post it, but for some reason it wont show me the next page of the results so this is all i got..

Your Existing Situation
Imaginative and sensitive; seeking an outlet for these qualities--especially in the company of someone equally sensitive. Interest and enthusiasm are readily aroused by the unusual or the adventurous.

hmm..
never take it seriously

[01 Jul 2005|11:44am]
[ mood | bored ]

I haven't updated in an extremely long amount of time.. but I'm at work with nothing to do and I'm bored.

a lotttt has gone on since I last updated (considering that was like 23479038490 years ago) so I think I'm just going to write about the most recent events.

school is over and next year I will be a senior. everyone is saying how weird that is that we're "already" seniors but to be honest, I've been ready to graduate for quite some time now. especially since 10 of my 12 closest friends just did on sunday. boo that. I can't even imagine what next year is going to be like without them. I feel like my whole grade doesn't even know me, or they know the me they think they have for at least the past 5 years of my life which is someone I'm not at all. next year is going to be very very different. I feel different and things are going to feel different. I figured this would be a fun time to look different too, but I can't quite decide how I want to go about doing that. i cut my hair shorter (and will even more before school starts), I am probably going to dye it brown cause even though everyone thinks it looks better red, I've had it this way for a year and a half and I'm bored. oh and I reallyyyyy wanted to get my nose pierced (just a little stud, nothing big and trashy) but i hear you have to keep it in for like 9 months before you can take it out, and I would have to take it out for volleyball in the fall. so that kinda sucks. I figure I'll do it in february after volleyball and after the musical. that's 7 months away.. =(

ummm let's see, prom was fun. how I ended up going is a long story, but turned out I had from 1:00 to 5:30 to find a dress, bag, shoes, jewelry, shower, get my hair done, get pretty and get to pre-prom. i was a little late, haha. if I get a chance I'll put up some pictures, or at least one.

aside from the big senior events that are going on, a lot has happened friend-wise. I can't really explain it to be honest, but I will say that most of it has been disappointment. although that was mostly at least a month ago and it's a lot better now, there are certain things you just don't forget that make you question the loyalty of your friends, and even the friendships themselves. but I try to let things go and focus on the way things are now.. it just makes it harder when people constantly bring up the one thing that reminds you that you don't mean as much to your friends as you thought you would at this point in your life and friendship.

anyway, marie and rich and the kids are here for july 4th and marie's birthday, and starting saturday this weekend-next week is going to consist of maddddd partying so that's a plus.

by the wayyy, me and danielle are going to europe in a year and a half =) wooooo gotta start saving.

so that's basically it. maybe I'll pick up the habbit of writing in this again. probably not, but I'll be back sometime.

4 never get hurt | never take it seriously

hmm.. [03 Apr 2005|03:34pm]
[ mood | bored ]

copy this list into your journal and bold the things that we have in common...the ones that aren't true for you change to something that is true about yourself :)


01. I'm indecisive.
02. I enjoy putting people in their place.
03. I am taller than 5'5.
04. I love music.
05. Warm is preferable to cold.
06. I watch TV at least 2 nights a week. (heh...)
07. I want to be successful.
08. I hate when people TypE LyKe D1s.
09. I am really terrible at yoga. Really.
10. I like to dance in my room with my headphones on when everyone else is asleep.
11. My favorite dessert is dulce de leche cheesecake.
12. I like to dance in the rain.
13. I have an doodle-fixation.
14. a cute scarf makes me happy
15. I am a music-holic.
16. I have never lived anywhere except Long Beach (or Lido, same thing).
17. I doubt I can accomplish somethign just because i put my mind to it.
18. I hate the sound of the vacuum, but the process is oddly satistfying.
19. I crack my knuckles too much.
20. I am obsessive compulsive.
21. I like thrifting
22. When I'm nervous, my legs shake.
23. I often find myself in situations I don't want to be in.
24. I HAVE played (done?) DDR.
25. I have died my hair.
26. I am what happens when Don Quixote and Sancho Panza meet-- someone with her feet on the ground and her head in the clouds. (interesting allusion)
27. I get bored with routines I hate (but I'm not afraid of change when im comfy).
28. I have an overactive imagination.
29. iced tea and cran-raspberry juice are all I drink.
30. I have never decided if i like every member of my family.
31. I don't take meds for something a doctor has told me to.
32. I'm still in high school. (oh joy)
33. I like to wear necklaces.
35. The Little Mermaid is still my favorite movie.
36. I wish I could fly.
37. I play volleyball all year round.
38. I am unemployed.
39. I am a dork.
40. I always like to have something to look forward to so the sucky things do not suck as much
41. I really enjoy thoughtful gifts, even if they cost nothing.
42. I believe you make your own fate.
43. I admire passionate people.
44. I love rain
45. I really would enjoy being a pirate.
46. My nails are currently unpainted.
47. I am constantly bored with my hair.
48. I probably will want kids
49. I obsess over silly things.
50. I hate it when people tell me I'm a genius, because I'm not.
51. I wear contacts. (and sometimes glasses).
52. I'm pretty creative.
53. I eat almost everything with either cheese or bananas.
54. I don't mind following someone else, so long as they know what they're doing.
55. Dating random people at the same time seems pointless to me.
56. I hate bridges.
57. My favorite game when I was younger was Candy Land.
58. TV can be wonderful.
59. I have an iPod. :D
60. The Wonder Years used to be my favorite show.
61. I love baking but i can't cook for my life
62. I love sweet potatoes with marshmallows.
63. I love things that smell good.
64. I would like living in cities.
65. I want to live outside of the USA one day.
66. I want a pet penguin.
67. I like road trips.
68. I think that people don't always want to be happy. And it frightens me.
69. I don't like a lot of makeup.
70. I'm pretty insecure sometimes.
71. I frequently indulge on sweets.
72. I've never been camping
73. I am drawn to intellect and humor.
74. I have done some things I am not proud of.
75. I'm working on not cringing when I think of stupid things I've done.
76. I think that some foreign accents are very sexy.
77. I hate hypocrites.
79. I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator.
80. I try to be honest as often as possible.
81. I constantly am dissatisfied with my wardrobe
82. I like cameras but not pictures of myself.
83. I'm disorganized
84. I don't believe in true love and that everyone has a "soulmate".
85. I love relaxing with a good book.
86. I've pretended to be foreign in front of strangers.
87. I like eating out upon occasion.
88. I believe that dreams are worth fighting for.
89. My hands and feet always seem to be colder or warmer than the rest of my body.
90. My beliefs are kind of private, and organized faith is not for me.
91. I don't think I could live without a competative sport
92. I tend to shrink around dominant personalities.
93. I worry too much.
94. I don't have a boyfriend.
95. I love my irish heritage
96. No, I am not Chinese, nor am I North Korean
97. I have a difficult time being sure of myself.
98. I am rarely amused by scary movies
99. I obsess about my grades but I dont work hard to change them
100. I want to punch Bush.
101. I can be very reclusive.

1 never get hurt | never take it seriously

[11 Dec 2004|05:42pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I've got it. after talking with my mom today, I've finally got it. the idea. the super huge fundraiser that I PRAY (yes, pray, something I rarely do) will work. lajfkajflsjlkajsdfljafjdslkfj. I'm so anxious, I can't do anything else but think about it. I need to start on it now.

there is no longer anything I want more in my life than for this to work.

never take it seriously

holiday season is here.. [11 Dec 2004|12:34am]
[ mood | un-worthy ]

so because the holidays and my birthday are coming up, I've been getting questions on a constant basis of what I want.. and I never quite have the answer. maybe like one or two small things.. and a car of course (although i am 110% sure I won't be seeing that under the tree this year). nothing I want is material. which comes as a shock to me because I used to be, and until recently thought I still was, a very material person. not necessarily in a negative way, but just in the way that I always wanted things.. and since i happen to have incredibly expensive taste, they were usually things I couldn't afford if I had to sell everything I owned. and I'm not saying I don't still gape at a really nice expensive pair of jeans every time I walk by, or that I don't still yearn to live this extremely rich life traveling all over the world and just doing things that glamorous people do.. but somehow I find myself with no christmas/birthday list except for this oneCollapse )

so there it is. there really is nothing I love more than sitting inside with hot chocolate and a fire going, with a lit up tree and old christmas music in the background, looking at the falling snow outside, being with family. or lighting the candles with everyone singing the prayers and sharing that emotion that goes with it and it's just so beautiful. it's this time of year (especially this year) that my feelings of luck and guilt are so at odds with each other that it's hard to feel good about any of it. I appreciate it so much that I almost resent it, maybe because I don't deserve it, or simply because so many others do, I just don't have the answers.

I hate not having the answers.

2 never get hurt | never take it seriously

"if you ever feel loved or needed, remember that you're one of the lucky ones.." [08 Dec 2004|06:16pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

people wonder why I can never make decisions.. perhaps it's because whenever I do, I always make the wrong one.

so once again I have managed to do just that, and will now have an awful rest of the year because I suck. and I can sit and think about how happy I would be right now if only I weren't so stupid. good one sam, you really are a winner.

2 never get hurt | never take it seriously

[05 Dec 2004|10:55pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I really like this poem and just felt the need to post it.

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
I trap myself further
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid

I am a P.O.W.
Not a prisoner of war
A prisoner of words
Like a soldier
I'm a fighter
Yet only a puppet
Mostly I only say
What you wanna hear
Could you take it if I came clear?
Or would you rather see me
Stoned on a drug of complacency and compromise
M.I.A.
I guess that's what I am
Scarping this cold earth
For a piece of myself
For peace in myself

It'd be easier if you put me jail
If you locked me away
I'd have someone to blame
But these bars of steel are of my making
They surround my mind
And have me shaking
My hands are cuffed behind my back
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind, in fact
A prisoner of compromise
A prisoner of compassion
A prisoner of kindness
A prisoner of expectation
A prisoner of my youth
Run too fast to be old
I've forgotten what I was told
Ain't I a sight to behold?

A prisoner of age and dying to be young
To my head is my hand with a gun
And it's cold and it's hard
Cause there's nowhere to run
When you've caged yourself
By holding your tongue

I'm a prisoner
Of words unsaid
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head
It's like solitary confinement
Every time I stay quiet
I should start to speak
But I stop and stay silent
And now I've made
My own hard bed
Inside a prison of words unsaid.

--Alicia Keys


ps- kath, I'm so sorry. you know I'm always here if you need anything.

never take it seriously

"I'm walking down the line that divides me somewhere in my mind.." [05 Dec 2004|01:38am]
[ mood | content ]

1) feeling a lottttt better since last entry.

2) my school has gone completely crazy in a matter of days. I can't even imagine the amount of security that's going to be there next week.

3) I like Danielle's new boyfriend. he's really nice and cute and likes good music (and has a really nice car) and yeah. I approve.

4) we went to see Fulton Street tonight at a temple show in merrick (which was wayyyy overpriced.. 12 dollars, when ours are like, 5) and they were pretty good. the music itself sounded awesome. maddddd long beach people there. me and danielle were really impressed with the first band that played. don't even know who they were though, hmmm..

5) I just saw the movie Closer and it was twisted. kind of pointless. but I liked the ending, and jude law is beautiful and I got to see more of him than I had hoped for ;) annnnd I want to like BE natalie portman (or at least look like her) so it wasn't entirely a waste.

time for bed, goodnight =)

never take it seriously

since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.. [01 Dec 2004|10:19pm]
[ mood | angry ]

I was in an awful mood today. still am, but less so than before because I spend a good portion of the night taking my mind off things by watching The Bourne Identity and West Wing. you know those days when one thing bad happens and then everything else goes wrong and you just realize how pissed off you are at everything? yeah, it was one of those. anyway, I don't think I'm going to be feeling better any time soon.

during my angrier part of the day, I made a fuck list to vent, but couldn't do it on livejournal because it was in read-only mode since I got home from school.. which of course I should have expected because whenever I have a bad day, everything seems to pick up on it and decide to make it worse. if I were you, I wouldn't waste my time, but here it is anyway. fuck listCollapse )

at the moment, my thoughts are scattered. the majority of that list is from today/this past week, but towards the end really has nothing to do with anything. that's what happens when I get angry/upset. I'm reminded of everything else that bothers me. and to think it all started with ms. burns being a complete bitch. I need to stop going on tangents like that.

yeah, really bad day. I'm going to go follow my nightly routine and go to sleep now instead of doing my homework. goodnight.

never take it seriously

lalala [28 Nov 2004|06:52pm]
[ mood | sick ]



You Are the Individualist



4




You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.







You Are the Investigator



5




You're independent - and a logical analytical thinker.

You love learning and ideas... and know things no one else does.

Bored by small talk, you refuse to participate in boring conversations.

You are open minded. A visionary. You understand the world and may change it.





(I got two different ones because I had two answers for one of the questions. oops).
never take it seriously

[26 Nov 2004|12:54am]
I am in love with Finding Neverland. love.

and, I need a husband like James Barry (well, johnny depp's interpretation of him anyway).
never take it seriously

[24 Nov 2004|07:14pm]
[ mood | hmm.. ]

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in
games and interactions.
Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in
organizations. Fun to be
with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves
attention. Loves to be loved.
Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short
tempered. Changing
personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in
oneself. Hates restrictions.
Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical


What does your birth month say about you?
brought to you by Quizilla

never take it seriously

I got this from 2 people's journals... [24 Nov 2004|04:16pm]
[ mood | sick ]

a. Choose 10 people from your friends list at random.
b. Write something about/to each of them.
c. Don't tell anyone who the statements are about. Good or bad. No matter how they beg!


1) I remember knowing you from afar and thinking you were so shy and quiet and that was basically it. but that was until I learned that there's more to a person than just what your own eyes can see. I still don't know you very well, but I know certain people who love you and that leads me to believe you must be special. I'm sure there are qualities about you that I never see and probably never will, because I dont think we share that kind of connection that good friends have.. but I hope someday I will, because I can tell I must be missing out.
2) I don't think you realize at all the effect you have on people.. and I mean that in the best way possible. most people aren't happy, and at this age, usually for similar reasons.. but I don't think you realize that. you talk about how amazing other people are and how lucky you are are to have them in your life and you don't see yourself in the same light. I feel like you don't think your feelings toward people are reciprocal, but I see you and them and I can promise you they are. everyone feels unhappy at times and sometimes the best we can do for ourselves is just to relieve that same feeling in the people we are closest to and let them do the same for us, that's what friendship is.. and just knowing about you what I do, I'd say you're a really good friend. and I don't know if you realize how unique a gift that is. you should give yourself more credit for being who you are instead of hesitating because you're afraid of what might come of it.
3) I don't think you know how much people admire you. every time I hear your name mentioned, it's something positive. sometimes I wonder what you are actually thinking, because it's hard for me to fathom a mind with so much good will. everyone you meet likes you and enjoys spending time with you and I have to admit, I fall under that spell myself. even though we're not very close, there's the quality of closeness that I feel when I'm with you, the quality of comfort from years of friendship and I hope that doesn't go away because you're the kind of person that leaves a mark, that inspires people. and you take it all with such modesty, as though there's nothing to live up to. you just are who you are, nothing ever knocks you down, and I can't even describe how much I envy that about you. I just wish you would open up more around people, be more free, because I've known you for a long long time and I know you are much more free-spirited and passionate than you make yourself out to be.
4) I miss you more than I can describe. I remember the day I met you and it's hard to believe I've known you for this many years. there's something about leaving home and meeting knew people that makes a person realize a part of themselves they never knew existed, and being friends with you has allowed me to do that. we don't keep in touch as often as we used to, and a lot of that is my fault because I rarely update my journal anymore, but I know that if I saw you, it wouldn't matter. things would pick up right where we left off, because that's the kind of friendship we have, the kind we've always had, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I don't think you realize how much I admire you and always have, but you should. and I don't mean in a jealous way, wich is unusual for me since I'm the jealous type. I just don't think you realize how great you are and how much of an impact you have had on my life alone, let alone other people's.
5) I miss you as well. it's funny the way things work out, how you went from the girl who stole my "friend's" boyfriend to the girl I didn't spend a day without, one of my closest friends. I read your journal and I wish you wouldn't be so sad half the time you are, because it's not fair for someone who makes other people so happy to be so unhappy. one day you'll figure it out, this I know. one day you'll find whatever it is you are looking for and be utterly and completely happy, because you deserve it and because I feel like once you leave home you'll be free and will realize that all the things that make you unhappy aren't important. not when you compare them to the things that make you happy. and you are so damned talented that I know you will go so far in whatever it is you choose to do and have so many opportunities to do it. but I don't think you believe it, sometimes I don't think you even give yourself a chance. and i really really wish you would. I also wish you would accept yourself for who you are. you feel like you don't fit in and you don't have what other people have, but that's not it at all. you've just put such a high price on it that you start questioning the things that make you you. don't lose sight of yourself, not in your wishes or hopes or friends, because eventually, you're going to want the qualities that make you stand out. not everyone has those, and I hate that you don't see yourself the way I do and the way I'm sure other people do.
6) you have no idea how talented you are. I only wish I had an ounce of the creativity you exude through everything you do. I admire the way you write and the way you are so good at expressing your emotions, and more importantly how unafraid you are to do it. you probably didn't know any of this, and quite possibly still don't, but I suppose this is my cowardly way of telling you.


aright, i have to do the rest of these later because I'm supposed to be cleaning my room for when family comes tomorrow.

2 never get hurt | never take it seriously

"didn't know I was unamerican.." [04 Nov 2004|09:50pm]
never take it seriously

"It's hard to just forget the past.. it was good, it was bad, but it was real." [24 Oct 2004|04:47pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I don't know why i had the sudden urge to write in here. maybe because i have all these mixed emotions that i need to sort out which is usually the purpose of my updates, or maybe I just need an excuse to not do part 2 of my ap chem test right now, but either way.. here I am.

//edit: I just took out the basis of this entry. it was basically me just being in a bad mood and boohooing myself, and you dont all need to see that =)\\

in other news, i went to the princeton/harvard football game yesterday which was fun and i actually got sunburned! yay for melanin.

we beat baldwin on friday 25-20(?) in the 5th game and it was awesome. I love games like that. they're so intense and adrenaline-filled and so gratifying when you win. I know we can beat massapequa tomorrow i know it i know it i know it. (and hey, if the red sox can beat the yankees after 2093809238403 years, then we can definitely beat massapequa after like.. 4).

ok, it's 5, and i have to leave for the pasta party at 6 and still finish this test before then soooo.. I'll be back. I missed this thing.

never take it seriously

I feel like I've done this already, butttt.. [15 Oct 2004|11:36pm]

Bands // Song Titles

Created by BourdiezFreak and taken 12479 times on bzoink!

Choose a band/or artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:Dave Matthews Band
Are you female or male:fool to think
Describe yourself:so much to say
How do some people feel about you:what would you say
How do you feel about yourself:grace is gone
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:say goodbye
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:crush
Describe where you want to be:one sweet world
Describe what you want to be:best of what's around
Describe how you live:typical situation
Describe how you love:once in a wild afternoon
Share a few words of wisdom:ain't it funny how time slips away

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

never take it seriously

[11 Oct 2004|05:14pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Bud Light
BUD LIGHT: You're laid back and low maintenance - a
people-person, who wants everyone else to be
having as much fun as you are. You make
friends and jokes easily, and though you're
definitely a smart ass, you're good-natured.
Every man's beer for everyone's friend.


The Greatest Beer Quiz, ever!
brought to you by Quizilla

never take it seriously

"but things just get so crazy, living life gets hard to do.." [09 Oct 2004|07:00pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

disappointment. the story of my life.

hmph.

1 never get hurt | never take it seriously

"my hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption.." [06 Sep 2004|12:13am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I figured since the summer is dying down and school is starting up again, I might as well get back in the habit of writing in this. it's weird to think back to almost 2 years ago when I first got one of these and wrote in it almost everyday.. if not more. so, in recent events:
volleyball started and I can't even express how excited I am.. this is going to be a great season despite my own personal flaws, such as my ankle problems.. which were only worsened when I was blocking and landed on lindsay, fucking up my ankle/foot even more. yay for sucking at life.
other than that, my life as basically consisted of the beach and some other not so fun things, including driver's ed (which is now completed), reading one flew over the cuckoo's nest and being bored because long beach sucks.

I babysat my little cousins tonight. the baby cried the entire night and I had to walk around the house with him trying to get him to sleep for probably a total of an hour and a half. my arm feels like it's going to fall off. but i must say, he really is adorable. so is dylan in that funny toddler kinda way, saying things that make everybody laugh and doing funny things.

marie and rich and the kids came down for the weekend.. the girls donated their hair. i took pictures but I'll upload them later.

that's all for now, I'll start updating more once school starts.

never take it seriously

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